Introduction and my struggle

[David]

Hi guys,

I hope everyone is doing well :). I just recently joined the site and wanted to write a quick instruction. (I don’t really engage with online communities ever, or spend much time on the internet, so this is definitely a change for me).

My name is David and I am 20 year old student from the United States. I have struggled with social anxiety for the majority of my life, but in the last few years I have made huge changes in my life and through medication and therapy am no longer controlled by my anxiety in almost every part of my life. There is just one frontier I have to conquer and that is my anxiety with women.

I went from someone who only two years ago could barely talk to women to someone now who has been able to to go out with and date a wide variety of women. And I am super proud of how far I have come. But now I am a bit stuck and need some help. I have finally come to terms with the fact that I can’t do this alone.

I have had some pretty bad/traumatic experiences with women in the past (before I was able to tame my social anxiety), rejection, humiliation, cheating, abandonment and these memories are still ingrained in my subconscious. So much so that the first thought I have whenever I see a beautiful women is that I am unworthy even though I have had beautiful women in my life for the past two years.

My goal is in the next 4-6 months is be a point in my life where I no longer need women to validate me and where I have the confidence and skills to be able to approach/talk to any women in an honest, real and vulnerable way without having any anxiety or fear.

If any of you have any suggestions for my journey and would like to share your experiences I would really appreciate it! 🙂

Al the best, Dave

Topic

[Leigh]

Welcome, mate.

I’d love to hear more about the work you’ve done to deal with your anxiety. Was there a specific ‘thing’ you did that made a huge difference or was it more of a gradual process?

Also, I thought you might enjoy this: http://my.lifeoperatingsystem.com/3-counter-intuitive-reasons-why-not-feeling-worthy-of-a-beautiful-woman-is-a-blessing/

It’s about why not feeling worthy is a blessing and how it can actually make your interactions with women easier and more effortless.

Anyway, good to have you here. I look forward to keeping up with your journey.

[David]

Hey,

Thanks so much for the reply and the follow up article.

To begin the process of working through my anxiety I started with therapy about five or so years ago for about two years. That made a huge difference but there was still a hump I could not jump over through therapy alone, I started taking an SSRI and that really helped me to make a huge jump forward and with the help of the medication I could finally talk to people in a normal manner.

Ever since that point I thought that my anxiety was gone but when I started meditating (at first not very consistently) about four years ago I started to uncover a thought pattern. That time in my life was a big moment of change. I was a junior in High-school applying for college, taking standardized tests ect so I let my meditation drift away and the discovery of the thought pattern was lost.

Since then I had so much going on in my life, with a very challenging major at a very competitive university that my mediation practice really took a back seat and I subconsciously covered the negative emotions that I had found. I could still talk to people just fine, I was very social and really became a social butterfly. But when it came to women I was attracted to there was still an intense sense of anxiety and honestly I spent the last few years hiding from it and trying to cover it up.

This semester I am studying abroad in Madrid, school here is not too difficult, I have a-lot of free time and see a-lot of beautiful women so I have had an opportunity to engage with my meditation practice again. And with the meditation I began to uncover almost a secret compartment of anxiety that I had never really dealt with before. And that anxiety came from the intense need for validation from women, I needed them to tell me I was attractive in order for me to feel happy about myself. As I started working through my emotional blocks I have really let my anxiety flow and with women I am attracted to the anxiety is intense as ever but that a good thing I think, the only way to make friends with anxiety is to let it flow, not try to fight it or cover it up.

Currently I am at a point were I have let down my emotional walls and honestly every time I see a women I am attracted to I feel a strong sense of anxiety, my stomach nots and my hands and feet tingle. But I think that is exactly where the work needs to be done. As I experience this anxiety I try to just sit with it, feel it and become friends with it, as opposed to trying to fight it off.

I hope that clarifies a bit of my past work and what I am working on currently. The story line of needing validation from women is one that has been with me for all of my life (20 years) so I realize trying to change a lifetime’s worth of thought patterns will take a bit of time.

Do you have any suggestions for me?

Best, Dave

[Leigh]

Excellent, mate. Love it. I’m actually writing an article on this very topic at the moment and the core message is: trying to make your problems go away will just make them worse. Just allow them to be as you live your life and still take the action you need to take to create the life you want.

In terms of working with the ‘seeking validation from women’ thing, have you read through the ‘What is a Script?’ It’ll help you understand why you’re seeking validation and what you can do to remove it.

Check it out here: http://my.lifeoperatingsystem.com/what-is-lifeos/what-is-a-script/

[David]

Awesome thanks so much for that!

Just one more quick question, what would you say is the best way to maintain the same emotional state around all types of women regardless of how attractive they? To no longer be nervous around women just because they are attractive, it seems to be an emotional response engrained in my subconscious that whenever I see an attractive women, my heart rate increases and some anxiety starts to form. Any suggestions?

 

Best,

David

[Jimmy]

One way.  Coming from a guy who’s done it.  Is just to acknowledge the fact that you are nervous.  That means you like her man! 🙂 Be nervous! If it’s distracting you then it’s not the fact that you’re nervous but the fact that you’re letting it distract you.

[Leigh]

David wrote:

Just one more quick question, what would you say is the best way to maintain the same emotional state around all types of women regardless of how attractive they? To no longer be nervous around women just because they are attractive, it seems to be an emotional response engrained in my subconscious that whenever I see an attractive women, my heart rate increases and some anxiety starts to form. Any suggestions?

I’m writing an article on this right now. I’ve one going live in the next few days and then the one after that will be on this topic. It’s the last ‘pillar’ piece needed to round out the LifeOS foundation articles.

Keep an eye on the blog for it.

[David]

Awesome thanks so much! Looking forward to it!

[David]

As I go through this journey of self discovery, I have been noticing that whenever I see a beautiful women my almost instantaneous response is fight or flight. I get this super intense anxiety that seems to be almost subconscious. Through reading all the articles on this site I understand a ton of information on a logical level. But how to get myself to understand all of this on an emotional level? because what I am experiencing is not logical but emotional.

How do I train myself to just let my feelings of attraction flow but not automatically freeze and or want to run away when I see a beautiful women. It really is a paralyzing experience.

Any thoughts?

David

[David]

Great advice, Jimmy thanks so much for the response!

[Leigh]

David wrote:

How do I train myself to just let my feelings of attraction flow but not automatically freeze and or want to run away when I see a beautiful women. It really is a paralyzing experience.

It’s all in this same article. Fuck, I feel like I’m writing it for you now. Here’s a snapshot:

The real-time application of the theory involves controlling your breathing. I’ve got an article somewhere talking about this, but consciously slowing your breathing slows your brain down. At this point in time, they’re not sure why but they think it has something to do with the vagus nerve.

So, when you see a beautiful woman and you feel that fear response kick in, consciously slow your breathing down. Big deep breaths in and out.

Once you’ve got that under control, then start to play with the sensation of anxiety. Find the sensation in your body and instead of isolating it to one are of your body and trying to compress it, use your breath to expand it over your entire body. Don’t fit it, accept it and allow it to be. In fact, embrace it and allow it to be everywhere.

Turn your attention inwards, embracing your internal experience, and then just fucking do what you know you need to.

That’s obviously a really short explanation, but hopefully, you get the idea.

Does that help? Try it out and let us know how you go.

[Author]

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